


Blame It on the Alcohol

by fangirl_feminista



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, cracked as titanic when it hit the iceberg, dumb ways to die eren jager edition, eren is destined for an early death and levi will probably beat the titans to it, grabbyhands eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5425043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_feminista/pseuds/fangirl_feminista
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>drunk!Eren + Corporal Levi = 100% chance of physical injury (and disturbing probability of fatality)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blame It on the Alcohol

**Author's Note:**

> To those who are waiting for a Mr. Smith’s Cleaning Guy update, I swear I did not get distracted and wrote this instead! This has been sitting in my laptop for about a year now. I plan to finish the epilogue in time for Levi’s birthday. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

Alcohol was never a thing for Levi. He wasn’t particularly against it, but he didn’t harbour any fondness for it either. Liquor is neutral. Liquor is okay. Liquor is—

 _Liquor is the dumbest fucking idea in this whole fucking universe._ Levi mentally growls as a decidedly drunk Eren Jager wraps his sweaty, reeking body around him.

“Heichouuuuu,” Eren drawls, caressing Levi’s cheek with his own. Needless to say, Levi’s monster punch is put to good use and Eren finds himself sprawled on the cold floor, nursing his jaw.

“Owww,” Eren whines as he pouts. _Eren fucking Jager fucking pouting._ About thirty minutes ago Levi thought this was a good idea. Thirty minutes later he wants to throw himself over the wall.

“You shitfaced dog,” Levi growls dangerously. Usually, this would be enough to send Eren to his knees, trembling as he spews frantic apologies. Today it just makes him pout even deeper.

“Yes, I’m just a dog,” Eren moans in despair. Suddenly, his face lights up. He gets on his hands and knees, padding towards Levi, grinning and panting. Levi could almost imagine the wagging tail. “I’m your loyal dog. Let’s play fetch!”

Levi itches to facepalm himself so hard his hand would go through his skull. Maybe that would make his growing headache better. “Good. Fetch me some meat from the woods and return a week from now. Make that a month.”

“Don’t wanna,” Eren protests. Then he purrs— _purrs_ , goddamnit, and it’s doing bizarre things to Levi’s pants—as he slinks back to the corporal currently sprawled on the couch. “You. Could. Eat. Me. Up,” Eren says in a sing-song voice.

“I would probably get liver cirrhosis just from breathing the same fucking air as you,” Levi says, trying to extricate himself from Eren’s grip. Alas, drunk Eren has the strength of titan Eren, heaven knows how that’s even possible.

“Hmmm, sounds good,” Eren mutters, burying his face in Levi’s hair. “You got real soft, shiny hair, you know that?”

Levi grabs a bunch of Eren’s own hair and gives a good yank. “What. The fuck. Is your problem.”

Teary-eyed Eren cocks his head to the side, and Levi hates himself for finding that adorable. “Problem? I got no problem, heichou. I got _you_.”

The next string of profanities gets stuck in Levi’s throat, because it _hits_ him. Eren is right. Eren Jager _has_ him, because there’s no other reason anyone would get away with drunkenly dicking around Corporal Levi.

“And you’re _cute_.”

Yep, no one’s getting away with anything today.

“Cute,” Levi repeats in a low voice.

“Cute,” Eren confirms whilst nodding vigorously, completely oblivious of his impending demise. He holds Levi’s face in his hands and swipes his forehead with his thumbs. “This smooth little forehead…”

For a moment, Levi is caught off guard and his brows actually relax. Eren closes in and kisses the top of his nose. “This perky little nose…”

Levi’s jaw falls. “Perky?”

Eren ignores his disbelief and moves on to peck his agape lips. “These pouty little lips…”

“Mmhmm…” Eren hums softly, before thoroughly kissing Levi. “You taste like tea, heichou.”

 _“You taste like home,”_ Levi almost says. Instead, he kisses Eren back, exploring and revelling in his warmth. He places a hand on Eren’s nape, another in his sweaty hair. With the hot haze and lack of oxygen, Levi could almost ignore the reek of alcohol and the sloppiness of Eren’s tongue. Almost.

“Wash up, Eren,” Levi grumbles. “You stink like a dog from the sewers.”

“Okay,” Eren accedes, half-lidded and smiling languidly. Levi doubts that he’d even make it across the room. Actually, he doubts that he still minds all that much.                                                                                                                    

“You know what makes you really, really cute though?” Eren whispers to his jaw. “You got a heart face, heichou. So pretty.”

“You know what else is pretty?” Levi snarls. “My fist through your disgusting bowels.”

“Maybe not pretty,” Eren allows. “Maybe beautiful.”

”Shut up,” Levi grunts. To his endless mortification, he feels his face starting to heat up.

“Heichou heart face,” Eren says, holding Levi’s _whole_ face in his hands. Levi has the urge to scream, _“My face is not small. You just got big ass hands!”_ At least he still has enough restraint to keep it in.

Eren’s eyes abruptly brighten. “Now your tiny heart face is all red! It’s really turning into a heart—“

“My face is _not_ tiny. You just got big ass hands!” Fuck maturity. Fuck Eren drunk ass turdscrew Jager.

Eren’s laughs giddily, and Levi’s chest does a weird flip-flop thing he can’t explain. Levi shivers as Eren sprays warm breath on his collarbone…

…and throws up all over Levi’s pristine cravat.

“JAGERRRRRRR!!”


End file.
